So I did it!! I mentioned in my previous post that I had started a Fear Resume. Today I had the opportunity to put it into practice. Actually all weekend and last night too.
I had something pop up the end of last week related to work which resulted in a meeting today. As usual I started spinning dialogues in my mind of how this meeting would go. I knew it was needed, but it could go really good or it could go really bad. However, I decided that I was going to do all I could to not worry myself and cause myself anxiety over it. After all, freaking out in the days before the meeting would not give me any benefit. It would only cause me harm mentally and emotionally.
So…all weekend I chose to focus on my family and not worry about work at all. I was able to successfully put it out of my mind. Then comes Monday when my mind has to be focused on work again. So of course the anxiety started to hit. My normal course of action would be to work myself up into a frenzied ball of anxiety by playing various dialogues in my head over and over. It is seriously like a movie reel going on and on until I can barely function. You would be amazed if they ever invented something that could hook up to my head and project what I’m imagining on a screen. Or maybe, if you are like me you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
Yesterday I chose instead to take a deep breath and take a few minutes to organize my thoughts without letting my emotions overwhelm me. That sounds easy but it was actually extremely hard – but I was able to succeed to a certain extent. And I gave myself credit for that and forgave myself for the few moments when I started to let the old Angela take over.
When I started to feel that anxiety build, I would take a look at my Fear Resume and remind myself of similar situations which I was able to successfully navigate and had turned out okay or even good, even though I had freaked out in advance. I was surprised at how much that really did help me to keep my head on straight and remain productive throughout the day.
At one point I messaged a friend to say I was a bit nervous and to ask for some prayers/good vibes to be sent my way. And then I typed something to her that for once I really meant. I think I kind of shocked myself when I typed it and realized I meant it. I said that I had decided to go into the meeting and stick to the facts and be direct. I was going to step out of my comfort zone and just lay everything out on the table and if that resulted in someone yelling at me then I would ride out the storm knowing that it would be okay in the end. I would survive it and better yet, I would be stronger for it.
I KNOW I have done a good job in a very difficult situation. I’m not perfect and I have made mistakes during this time and that is okay. I’ve owned up to them and worked on resolving them. That is what is important. I could go into that meeting with my head held high work through things.
And you know what? The meeting was great! We talked through things and came to an understanding. I was not going into a meeting with someone who hated me and thought I was an idiot and wanted to point a finger at me and throw me under the bus. I was going into a meeting with a mature responsible adult who just like me wanted to work through things and figure out what the next steps were and how to best get there in a way that is a win for everyone.
This was just one more situation where I’m realizing the other voices in my head are lying to me and causing me unnecessary grief. I AM a smart, capable woman who can kick some ass in this world. I need to start believing in myself more. I need to focus on what I’ve accomplished and stop worrying about what “might” happen because 99.9% of the time it does not happen. My mind is way too creative at times like this and I need to tell it to shut up and sit down.
Today I put my Fear Resume to work and proved once again that I can handle anything and things are rarely as horrific as the voices in my head want me to believe. And even if the worst had happened – it would be okay. It is NOT the end of the world. I am Strong. I am Smart. I am Capable. I am ENOUGH!!