Ramblings of a Conflicted Mind

I’ve been binge watching the show “Suits” with my husband.  If you are not familiar, the show follows individuals who are part of a large New York law firm.  It’s a very good show, entertaining and highly addictive.

One thing I’ve realized watching the show is that I would never make a good lawyer – at least not at a big city firm.  I’m just not strategic enough or cut throat enough to pull off the things they do in the show.

Now, I realize this is only a television show and not reality.  However, I know it is based in reality to a certain extent.  I know there are people, especially in the Corporate world, who are this smart and strategic.  And this ruthless at times.  I know there are people who are good at playing the “game” and some even thrive on it.  There are people who can totally keep their work and personal lives separate.  Those who have a thick skin and can move through the business world without a second thought as to how it affects others or what others think of them.

However, this is not me and I’m okay with that.  In some people’s eyes I may not be successful due to this, but I’ve found I don’t measure success the same way others do.  I don’t play the political game well at all and in fact I hate it.  I don’t have a thick skin and I care about how my actions affect others.  I don’t know how to totally separate my work and personal life.  I am loyal to a fault at times and I like to focus on the positive whenever possible.  Even in the middle of a venting session, I find myself looking for the positive – what did I learn from this, what good has or can come from it?

I tend to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt.  I tend to believe others are considerate of those around them and not always out to just do what benefits them.  I tend to believe people are more focused on getting a job done and done well, rather than just covering their own ass.  I don’t have a good poker face and I tend to believe people are who they present themselves to be.  Maybe that makes me naive, but I’m not sure I care.

And due to this I do get burned at times.  I have to learn the hard way not to trust others sometimes.  To realize I can’t always take people at their word.  But I’m not sure I really want to change this about me.  I don’t want to be cynical and distrusting.

One thing I have noticed about myself though – I do have a line.  And when a person has taken advantage of me too long, pushed me too far and/or stabbed me in the back too many times they will find and cross that line eventually.  And at that point when they cross it, I will do a super fast 180.  I go from giving them the benefit of the doubt and focusing on the positive to basically writing the person off so fast it will make your head spin.

I’m not sure exactly how I feel about this part of me.  It is a bit scary to me at times how fast I can flip once I’ve been pushed that far.

I like that I try to look at the world and things in my life from a positive perspective.  I like that I try my best to look at the positive in the situation.  I like that no matter how bad things are I try to find something that can be turned into a positive.

But I don’t like how at a certain point (even though it is WAY down the road usually) I am able to totally write off someone as having no value anymore in my eyes.  I know it is a defense mechanism on my part.  But I’m not sure I like it or that I want to protect myself in this way.

The problem is, I’m not sure how else to handle it.  How to protect myself without devaluing someone else.  And how to protect myself without changing who I am and the parts of me I like.  This is one of the things I struggle with in my life.  One of the ways I’m trying to better myself.  One of the ways I’m trying to understand myself.

Finding balance – this seems to be what my life is focused around at times.  Finding the right balance.


7 thoughts on “Ramblings of a Conflicted Mind

  1. I love your writing. It always gets my attention since many of them start with “Ramblings” and that is my Blog designation. Technically, Ramblings from an Unpaved Mind. I started using this in 2015 because I have family and friends that do not like my writing style, so they can identify and skip quickly. Yours, “Journey to Imperfection” is beautiful and poignant. I find it very representative of humanity. Sorry for too many words, but I am not sure I ever gave you a big thumbs up.

    Liked by 4 people

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