I’ve not written much lately – I have a nomination I’m supposed to be writing about and even have notes about what I’m going to write, but I’ve not had the energy to do it yet. I’m exhausted – mentally.
To be honest, it is my own doing. Years ago I realized I was becoming a cynical and negative person and I did not like what I was seeing. I made a choice then and there that I would not become a bitter and negative person. I made a point to always look for the positive in a situation and in other people, no matter how bad things looked.
For the most part I think I’ve been able to make this change in my life. And for the most part I’ve not regretted making this change in my outlook. However, recently I’ve started to realize this outlook does not always mix well with some of the other things I’m trying to work on in my life.
My need to be liked, the people-pleasing part of me does not do well with this because it has caused me to take this too far. I’ve become too transparent at times and I’ve allowed others to take advantage of this. Once again things come down to finding the right balance.
I want to be a good person who sees the positive in life. However, sometimes I have to learn to have a bit more of a poker face – to not show all my cards. Being positive does not mean I need to be fully transparent to everyone. There are times and certain people to whom I need to stand firm, be direct and not always give the benefit of the doubt. There are times I DO need to be cynical.
It is okay at times for me to be direct, to not share how I feel about something and/or not care about being seen by others as being “nice”. I won’t go out of my way to be mean, but I also don’t have to go out of my way to be nice either.
I have too many important things in my life that are mentally exhausting without adding more mental baggage to my life. I don’t have to solve everything, I don’t have to fix everything, I don’t have to make everyone happy. Sometimes I just need to solely focus on getting my job done and not worry so much about the people involved. There are some people who you can’t make happy no matter what you do. There are some people you can’t keep from getting upset and blaming you no matter what.
So once again – here I am rambling away to all of you – trying to sort through all the thoughts flying around in my head and trying to figure out how to find the right balance in my life. I tend to see so many things in black and white and I’m starting to realize how much gray there is in the world. Balance – that is the key I need to figure out. That is the key to this journey I am on right now.