I’ve been seeing a lot of poetry on various blogs I follow. I used to write poetry when I was younger and I enjoyed it. Whatever happened? I don’t think I’ve even attempted to write poetry since I graduated from college. This got me thinking a bit about things – things I’ve enjoyed in the past which I no longer pursue.
I’ve let myself get caught up in life and it has taken away some of my joy. Or did I ever really have that joy at all? I’ve had issues/struggles with being me and knowing who I really am all my life. Is it just nostalgia that makes me believe I once possessed this joy that I seem to be lacking now? Has the filter of time made me see the reality of my past through the proverbial rose colored glasses? Only seeing what I want to see and discarding the insecurities and darkness that was part of my life back then as well?
I keep looking forward to someday and dwelling on what I think I lost from the good ole days. Because of this I’m not really finding or pursuing the joys and dreams of the present. And all this just ensures that I will forever remain in this cycle until the day I draw my last breath.
I know this is a bit more depressing and dark than other things I sometimes post – but these are thoughts that do flow through this head of mine at times. And to deny them or hide them is to bury the things I struggle with. If this blog is to help me work through my struggles then I need to share all of it – even the stuff that is not as hopeful and happy and may not at times seem to have a “solution”.
I don’t want to be stuck anymore though. I want to break this cycle. Maybe for now part of the answer is for me to attempt to write some poetry again. Maybe it will suck, maybe it will be good – but just making the attempt I think will help me work through this. If nothing else, getting these dark thoughts out on paper in the open will help me to work through them. A part of me apologizes if that means I drag all of you through it with me. But another part of me is not sorry. I need to do what I need to do and you can choose to come along for the journey or not. Maybe it will not just help me – maybe you’ll get something out of it too.