She sat cross legged on her bed, listening to the sound of the train running through the middle of the sleepy little town. She did not fully register the sound of the train whistle. She heard it so often that over the last 18 years it had become background noise. A sound you were so used to, you only noticed it when someone new to town pointed it out. Or maybe you would notice its absence if it was ever missing. It had been the sound of frogs when she was little and growing up. Now it was the train. And this train never missed. Every night at 11pm she heard it without really hearing it.
It was a rare time when the house was completely quiet. No television, video games or music from the kid’s rooms. The cat and dog were snuggled down for the night and quiet. No dishwasher or dryer running. Tonight even her husband was quiet. No snores coming from his side of the bed. She absently placed a hand on his stomach. Just to make sure he was still breathing. Just one more thing she did instinctively without a thought after many long years.
She let the moment take over, allowing her mind to relax and wander. Never allowing it to land on any one thought for too long.
Usually her mind was a whirlwind of activity. Problem solving, planning, organizing and of course worrying. A full time job and 3 teens heavily involved in athletics and other pursuits could keep any brain going full steam ahead.
Yet she was learning to grasp at these quiet moments and take full advantage of them. Allowing herself to float in this time between the world of busyness she lived in and the world of sleep (too little sleep) where she dreamed.
Sh reveled in this time. A time to relax, refresh and recharge. A time of peace and nothingness – as short as it was. A time to disconnect from the world and even herself in some ways. She was starting to cherish this time each night.
With one last deep breath she turned out the light and lay down on her bed, willing sleep to take over. She let go of the control she allowed herself to believe in during the daylight hours. The control she allowed herself to believe she possessed. During these quite moments, she allowed herself to accept reality and sink into it. She embraced her weakness and imperfections. Accepting them because it was okay. She was okay. She was enough.
She smiled peacefully as sleep fully overtook her and she embraced it.